Note: this post was originally written on February 9th, but I put it on hold until I could add a little extra. Sorry, this post had been shelved so long.Another week, another snow day (two actually). Being home gives me time to reflect and remember and put what I think are really deep thoughts on the Internet. Sometimes I avoid it and blogging gets lost in with my other daily activities.
Continued from here...
...and again here.
Where I last left this hanging, it was the beginning of 2013. I had left WAW behind in the previous month, but couldn't shake the pain. My relationship with Mike/Falcon had started as casual but was starting to look like an actual relationship, and for that I was grateful. I managed to get on the bad side of the WAW girlfriends, who asserted their power over me -the former Queen Bee- through their boyfriends, essentially ending any involvement with the promotion for the time. Falcon was a great source of pride to me. Falcon, the WAW Champion, well liked by all and respected for his talent; he was with me.
One of the few highlights of my life was the visits from my "not really boyfriend." Usually Wednesday, one of his nights off from work, was our date night. I would leave school and rush home to meet him and it felt amazing. We had a weekly ritual, one that was perfect for a school night.
at picture on my phone to capture the happiness. On the left, macaroni and cheese from a place that makes specialty mac and cheese, a bottle of Coke because he loves Coke, and a DVD of the first season of the best show ever: Game of Thrones.
After going to Mr. Mac's once, he wanted to go back often and I happily obliged because it's freaking delicious. We ate this awesome dinner on my couch as we watched an episode of our show before the best part of the night; getting in bed with him.
Falcon worked the overnight shift, and it wasn't exactly nearby. So, while I had him on Wednesdays, Fridays I spent alone, as with the rest of my days. My depression wasn't a quiet one. I had frequent crying fits and I scared myself worrying about what was going to happen to me. I didn't think what I had with this man was serious enough to make him suffer with me, nor did I want to grow too attached so someone who was supposed to be just a fling. Before Falcon grew weary of my mental state, I thought I should give him an out.
It would have been best if I made him leave then, but kicking the habit was easier said than done. I remember telling him to go; telling him that I needed someone who could love me, but that person wasn't him. I told him we couldn't see each other, while proverbially clinging to his presence.
On an early April evening, I sipped a cocktail alone, lamenting my Saturday night sadness. I chatted on Facebook messenger with John and remember some of the conversation. I said, "I had to let the champ (Falcon) go. He doesn't like me enough. Someone loved me once, so someone can love me again." John asked me where he was and I said that he was "enjoying the wrestling show we built for him." We shared LOLs and John said, "good for you," in regards to my strength in dropping my partner. I told him Falcon was currently texting me to check in and saying he was going to stop by after the show. I drunkenly said that I would send him away and tell him to go ride the boat with Ben Affleck (it's a reference to this old educational show set in Falcon's hometown).
John said that I shouldn't! He said that if Falcon wanted to be there for me, I should let him help me. John approved of Falcon and said I should let him in. (Was this foreshadowing? Yes.) So, I opened the door, and my stupid heart.
It was good that I did, because I was going to need him. Maybe John had known that ahead of time, because soon after that night; this happened. My closest confidant and former boyfriend hurt me like no one else ever had. John was gone, taking his support, the belief I had in myself, and all my happy memories with him. So, whether holding onto Falcon was right or not, it was necessary for my survival.
So, what was I getting myself into? Who is Falcon, or Michael?
|Title character from Mozart's opera Don Giovanni|
I am in no way saying that Falcon is on a highway to hell nor am I proclaiming him "evil." I'm using the limited knowledge I have to make sense of him; to understand.I'm pretty sure what makes him tick is not pure evil.
What Falcon and Mozart's anti-hero have in common is their desire to seduce any woman in their path. For Falcon, this was not hard to do. Once he cast that spell on me, I was drawn in like a magnet. I thought he was amazing and he thought he was amazing too. He had a hubris about him, flaunting conventional love/sex rules because he knew he could.
Unlike Don Giovanni, Falcon doesn't just "love" 'em and leave 'em. In my case, he really made the effort to show his affection and in his way, loyalty. During the spring and summer of 2013, we talked everyday and he drove the distance to be with me whenever possible. While the world outside my home was a frightening city of tears, I was more than happy to welcome Falcon into my apartment where he helped me feel safe and cared for. During this time, we formed a close bond and a series of routines all of which lulled me into a feeling of safety and trust.
He loved my crafty side and encouraged me to create, which I often did just for him.
|Shirt I made using the freezer paper stencil technique. This is sort of based on the art piece.|
Also, we went rollerskating. There are so few roller skating rinks left, but we are lucky enough to have one pretty close. I was pretty damn good on wheels, as a child, and Falcon was mostly good at any kind of physical activity (eye roll).
|Here's an incredible skate-holding bag featuring the name of said skating place. I did not buy that bag, as the thrift store wanted $25.|
Up next; the conclusion.